Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety (CERTS)

With warm, sun-filled days, I am weeding.  My yard is a standard suburb lot, unusual for its many trees, a mini forest surrounding my home. And with this natural beauty, I plant annual flowers in pots around the yard and delight in the robust perennials. And I weed. I find the sun and fresh air lift my mood. I also notice that my mind calms as I routinely pull weeds between brick walkways and along the driveway. I am also aware that some plants are plants when they grow where I want them to grow. The same plants are weeds when they volunteer in a place I don't want them to grow. This reminds me of thought, our thinking process. Some thoughts are appropriate at a certain time and place,…

Wants and Needs The Holidays can be a time of comfort and joy, but I am under the impression that for many, it is a stressful time of buying lots of presents, accruing financial debt, hoping a gift is adequate, and wondering what on earth to buy that person who has everything. And now and then, the season can become the Season of Give Me, a long list of things someone wants but rarely needs. Wants are never satisfied. What about taking this season to try to fulfill human needs? We humans need safety.  We need to feel that we will be verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, and financially safe.  For far too many, this is not true. We need to develop mastery.  That begins at about 6 weeks when…

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The three year old little girl had a wonderful time with her cousins but it was time to go home. Filled with energy, she slammed into her aunts and uncles with big hugs and turned to put on her red shoes. They were not there. At the door, she found her white sandals. Despair filled her heart and she fell to the floor in sobs. Her father recognized that his daughter was 3 years old, in transition from party to home, and exhausted from excitement. It was raining out so the red shoes in the car were staying in the car. In a gentle but firm voice, her father said to her, “You can put your white sandals on and walk to the car or Daddy can carry you to…

It’s early morning. The car moves slowly, as if it is searching for the road. There is grey fog ahead, behind, and to each side. The driver feels uncertain, hoping no car has simply stopped in the road in front, wondering if there is an impatient driver behind who may veer into the lane beside her. It is the time of a faint hearted sun that cannot clear the sides of the roads, where a deer may be waiting to dart into traffic. It’s a ponderous journey, the body tense, the eyes alert, the breathing light and fast. Fog is everywhere. This, too, can be an internal landscape for those who live in FOG. In Susan Forward’s enlightening book, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, FOG is the acronym she uses to describe persons…