Control, anger, power, entitlement, and revenge (CAPER) are five powerful dynamics that allow someone to be abusive to another.
These dynamics, interestingly, can be used against oneself, also. For example, if I make a mistake and embarrass myself, and I could be along or with others, I may say, “how can I be so stupid! You are an idiot!” That is part of me that is turning on myself to shame me and undermine my own integrity. Can I make mistakes? Yes, all the time, every day. Should I be aware of my mistakes? Absolutely. Should I take responsibility for my mistakes? Most assuredly. But there is a way to do that without undermining my own character. I have just used the power of part of my personality to shame another part of me and that disempowers me from taking responsibility. Yes, it’s tricky.
New questions to ask are: What did I learn from that mistake? Do I need to apologize? What can I do to repair what has happened? This gets me personally out of the punitive revenge cycle against myself and empowers me to act in my own integrity.
CAPER is best known in interpersonal relationships. When one peer or romantic partner uses his or her power to control the thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions of another, this is abusive behavior. Usually, the person who is being abusive is not in touch with hir or her true feelings and covers up more vulnerable feelings with anger. The dynamic is that the person who is abused feels guilty and responsible for the interaction and tries to fix it, rather than the person who has abused who is disowning responsibility.
These dynamics can be seen in groups as well. When one group has more power over another group, feeling entitled to look down on the secondary group, allowing the first group to take advantage of less powerful group, we have CAPER.
These dynamics are seen nationally and even internationally. We are seeing at an increasing volume, the inability for people to take responsibility for their behavior.
It’s very hard work to look inside and take responsibility.
But that is the work of therapy.
Learning to recognize when one is being victimized is a very powerful insight that can change one’s life for the better.
Learning to recognize when one is being abusive is also deeply significant. That is when maturity steps in and promotes growth.
That is the work of therapy, and it is very exciting.
July 2nd, 2025
Dawn Strommen, MA, LP